Steve Pavlina Newsletter - Issue #44 - March 27, 2012

StevePavlina.com Personal Development InsightsNewsletter

Issue #44 - March 27, 2012 - http://www.stevepavlina.com/

Quick Updates

Erin's Intuition Workshop - Save $100 - Erin's intuitive abilities have impressed me since we met in 1994. She has a rare talent for picking up information through unseen channels and today uses her abilities to assist others. Now she's going to share how you can improve your intuitive skills as well in her Intuition Development Workshop at the Flamingo Hotel in Las Vegas, April 28-29, 2012 (Sat-Sun). The price is only $397 if you register by March 28th, $497 thereafter.

Connecting From the Heart

As I mentioned in my blog, I've been putting a lot of effort into improving my in-person social life this year. Last week I spent so much time in conversation that by Friday I was starting to lose my voice. That minor problem aside, this has been a wonderful path of development. I want to share some insights I've had regarding connecting with people deeply.

Appreciating Uniqueness

First, everyone is unique. Socially we have a tendency to try to fit people into patterns and especially to label them as being one way or another. Real human beings, however, constantly defy these patterns and labels. Seeing my expectations violated again and again has encouraged me to do my best to avoid succumbing to premature patterning when I'm creating a connection with someone.
Patterns can still be helpful, especially when you want to avoid unwanted approaches, but if you've reached the point where you're getting to know someone, it's time to set those preconceived notions aside and perceive them with an open mind and an open heart.

Being Present

I find that the most important -- and the most challenging -- aspect of conversation is being fully present. First of all, this means setting aside distractions so you can both focus. Ideally, put away your cell phones and other devices. I like having people over at my house, especially during the afternoon, since there are no distractions then. A restaurant setting by comparison usually has frequent interruptions, which can disrupt the flow of a good connection.
When you listen, focus your energy in the center of your chest. Listen with your heart, not just your ears. Do your best to understand the emotional context behind what the other person is communicating.
When you talk, also focus your energy in the center of your chest. Speak from your heart. I like to touch the center of my chest sometimes when I'm talking with someone, as a reminder to speak from my heart, not just my head.
When you share something that's emotional in nature, allow yourself to feel some of that emotion. Similarly, when you listen to the other person speak, allow yourself to join them in what they're feeling. I sometimes feel so emotionally connected to a person that when they talk about something they're passionate about, I get misty-eyed. Then I share that they're having this effect on me, which is a nice way to acknowledge that we've created a strong connection together.
This takes practice, but when you get good at listening and speaking from your heart, it can create a very special feeling of presence. You and the other person will co-create a vibe of openness, trust, and empathy. When this type of energy is present, it's easy for people to open up and share very deep aspects of themselves. They know they can expect understanding and compassion instead of judgment.

Connecting Without Neediness

I feel that the best connections occur when no one is trying to get their needs met by the other person. When neediness is present, it tends to create resistance. If you're trying to impress the other person, earn their approval, or convince them to do something, this neediness infects the connection and sours it to some degree. Many people don't like having to give energy to someone who's behaving in a needy way. I certainly don't. This is one reason I opted out of certain online communication channels; I feel drained by too many approaches rooted in neediness.
When people come together from a place of wholeness and completeness, as opposed to coming from financial, emotional, or sexual neediness, this creates a very different kind of connection, one based on mutual respect, happiness, and exchanging value.

How Do We Exchange Value in Relationships?

I've written a lot about exchanging value in the world of business, but what does it mean to exchange value in relationships?
I sometimes run into situations where I'm very much enjoying connecting with someone, but I can tell they're concerned that they aren't giving much back to me. Many people have a natural resistance to being unfair, so if they feel they're in a situation where they're taking more than they're giving, it can make them uncomfortable. A few people in my life have told me this directly, which in a way is good since then we can discuss it openly.
Relationship value is much broader than business value. There are lots of ways people can exchange value in relationships where they'd be resistant to trading money for it. For example, people will exchange hugs and affection with each other, but it would feel weird to pay for this value.
I receive tremendous value from connecting with people socially, sharing stories, and learning more about them. I really enjoy the simple act of sharing. I don't approach conversations from a place of neediness, so I don't need the person to give me anything. I just want them to be present and go with the flow. Even if a conversation seems a bit lopsided, I still feel good about it afterwards. Talking to people is normally a very enjoyable experience for me, and it feels wonderful to share what I'm passionate about.

Seeking What You Enjoy

You'll no doubt notice that you enjoy talking to certain types of people more than others. You may feel that some people talk too much, and you can't get a word in edgewise. Others may talk too little, and trying to get any information out of them is like pulling teeth. You'll be happiest if you simply focus on connecting with the types of people you feel most compatible with.
In any conversation there's limited bandwidth for sharing. If one person talks 70% of the time, the other person has the remaining 30%. If two people who like to talk 70% of the time insist on having their way, there will be a lot of clashing. Instead of really listening, people will be waiting for a pause so they can inject something. People will often interrupt each other in this situation. Threads will be cut off, and it will be tough to achieve closure on any topic.
On the other hand, if both people only speak 30% of the time, then there will be a lot of dead air. Some people are fine with this, but others find it uncomfortable. It can also be seen as a wasted opportunity since much more could have been shared if people were willing to talk a bit more.
Since I'm a professional communicator, I'm very comfortable leading a conversation, which could involve doing most of the talking, but it could also involve helping the other person feel comfortable enough to open up. I'm pretty good at communicating with people who are shy or introverted, whereas others may find them hard to talk to.
Personally I prefer conversations where the exchange is close to 50-50, meaning that both people are talking about half the time. I don't mind having some silence either. But I don't feel as connected in conversations with someone who wants to do almost all the talking -- in those situations I sort of wonder why they even need me there.
If you find that you just aren't meshing with someone's conversational style, I say just let that person go, and move on to someone else. You'll be happier in the long run.
Similarly you may find that certain conversation topics are more interesting to you than others. In that case, try leading the conversation towards topics that you love, and see if you can find one that's a good match for the other person too. I love talking about personal growth in general, but for one person the best match may involve talking about improving relationships while for another it may have to do with creating financial abundance. Lately I've been especially interested in discussing social skills and relationships with people, so I love hanging out with people who have similar interests. It doesn't take much convincing to get me to have a deep conversation with someone about relationships, especially non-traditional relationship styles; I find this subject fascinating.
If you can't figure out how to get a good connection going with someone, don't force it. Just let them go, and focus your attention on someone else. Eventually you'll find a nice match for your style and interests. There are billions of people on this planet to connect with -- how abundant is that?

Dancing

In years past I often felt responsibile for leading interactions, as if I'm supposed to nudge each of my connections in some goal-oriented direction. These days I see interpersonal communication as a dance where no one leads.
When I'm communicating from my heart, I usually enjoy a nice feeling of flow. Both people's energies come together in a special way. If I try to lead this energy, it feels like I'm out of sync with what's arising, and I'm not being fully present. But if I let this combined energy lead me, then I feel like I'm very much in the flow. It's easy to listen attentively and to share openly. I neither feel too pushy nor too passive.
This energetic connection is different with everyone. With some people it feels very mental. With others it's more emotional. And with some it's more playful or sensual.
I've noticed that each of these connections brings out different aspects of my personality. With one person I may be very analytical and precise, like my left brain gets a boost when I'm with them, and there's little desire to joke around. With someone else I may feel drawn to connect with great compassion and empathy, and we can create a deep emotional bond and perhaps heal some old wounds. With another person, it may feel completely natural to be flirtatious and playful, which is especially fun when two people are doing this in sync.
The key is to read the energy of the connection and flow with it. If you try to force an interaction to be something other than it is, you'll lose the flow. If you go with the flow and let it lead both of you, then the connection takes on the tone of a delightful dance that both people enjoy immensely.
This may sound like a passive approach, but it's very active in practice. It's much like surfing. I'm constantly reading the waves and adjusting my position to catch them.
The key to all of these tips is being in your heart. When you communicate from your heart, you encourage others to sync with you. You may have to give up some control as to where your connection goes, but I think you'll very much enjoy the dance.

Please follow me on Twitter and Google+ for inspirational messages and quick updates.

Steve Recommends

Site Build It! - Build an income-generating website.
Lefkoe Method - Permanently eliminate a limiting belief in about 20 minutes.
Paraliminals - Accelerate your personal growth.
The Journal - Keep a secure journal on your PC.
PhotoReading - Read books 3x faster.
Life on Purpose Video Coach - Discover your life purpose.
MySpeed - Watch online videos in half the time.

Steve Pavlina Newsletter: Issue #43

StevePavlina.com Personal Development InsightsNewsletter

Issue #43 - February 24, 2012 - http://www.stevepavlina.com/

Quick Updates

Learn Spring Forest Qigong for Free - Learning Strategies will soon be streaming Chunyi Lin's Spring Forest Qigong course for free via the Internet. The broadcast will be spread over 6 days and begins on March 12, 2012.
Qi, also known as chi, is life energy. Qigong is an Eastern energy healing practice which seeks to correct imbalances in this energy. Whether you believe in this idea or not, peer-reviewed studies have concluded that qigong practice has a positive effect on immune function, bone density, cardiovascular health, and many other health indicators. Some people interpret qi (or chi) as the sum of various biological processes, so the divide between the Eastern and Western viewpoints may be largely a matter of semantics. There's agreement on the results, which can be measured, but different doctors disagree on how to explain these results.
I listened to the complete Spring Forest Qigong program in 2006. I liked it, but I decided not to recommend it on my website at the time. Since I didn't have anything physical to heal, I couldn't personally validate the physical healing aspects of the program.
Since then I've practiced qigong a few times with Chunyi in person at retreats we've attended. I love his peaceful energy and his sense of humor, and I have friends who swear by qigong's benefits. Dr. Deepak Chopra has also endorsed Spring Forest Qigong.
Due to my limited experiences with qigong, I don't feel good about giving it my personal recommendation. However, since Learning Strategies is now broadcasting Spring Forest Qigong for free, I thought it would be worthwhile to share this, so that those who are interested can see if they find it beneficial.
More Workshops? - Last summer I set a goal to create and deliver some new workshops to help people live more consciously. This spawned the Subjective Reality Workshop, the Conscious Success Workshop, and the Conscious Relationships Workshop. It was a lot of work to create these, but I enjoyed them immensely and received much positive feedback from attendees. There have been requests to repeat these workshops, and I may do so, but for now I'm taking a break from workshops to focus on other projects. I'll be sure to announce new workshops here, but I doubt you'll be seeing any announcements like that for several months at least.
You may enjoy reading the blog post where I shared some lessons I learned from the recent workshops.

Control Your Life, or Die

On average, each highly stressful year that you endure shaves about 6 years off your lifespan.
People experiencing high stress have been measured to lose their telomeres much faster than normal. Telomeres are the caps at the end of your DNA strands that keep them from fraying. You slowly lose these telomeres as you age, but stress can speed up the process dramatically, effectively causing your body to wear out much sooner.
In this case, stress is the feeling that you don't have much control over your life. That feeling of being out of control is damaging to your health at the cellular level.
One especially common form of stress is work-related abuse. Your boss gives you more work than you can reasonably handle. You make a minor mistake and get chewed out. You get blamed for something that isn't your fault. Subjecting yourself to this kind of environment will likely shave years off of your lifespan.
If you think in terms of the 6-to-1 ratio, hopefully it will sink in to consider just how much damage you may be doing to yourself to tolerate such an environment, damage that can be physically measured in your cells. Do you really want to trade 6 days of life for every one highly stressful day?

Detachment

The idea of detachment is not to get too attached to what happens in your life. Try to be at peace with whatever occurs. If your boss yells at you, shrug it off. No big deal. It's all good.
Detachment can be helpful in some situations, but it's only one tool among many. For many situations this tool just doesn't work so well.
I think detachment works best for infrequent situations. If you have a one-time problem like getting a flat tire, go ahead and shrug it off. So you'll be late for an appointment. No big deal. Stuff happens.
But if you're trying to practice detachment in situations where you have to keep reminding yourself to stay calm, such as if you're in a relationship that stresses you out, or if you have to deal with an ogre-like boss every week, then I don't think detachment will get you very far. Go ahead and try it if you want, but if you keep getting sucked into problems again and again, then maybe this isn't the best tool for the job.

Standards

In many situations a more effective strategy than detachment is to get clear about your personal standards and enforce them in your life. Stop giving dumb, angry, or stressed out people control over your time, your space, and your life.
Many times people end up in stressful situations because they've maintained low personal standards. They let other people talk down to them, treat them unfairly and disrespectfully, and take advantage of them. They're willing to trade their dignity and self-respect for a job, an income, a place to live, a family, etc. But in the end, these decisions so often lead to high stress and a feeling of not being in control. And that loss of self-control ages and kills people much faster.
In the long run, when you give away control over your life, you literally give away your life. It's slow suicide.
If you find yourself in a stressful situation, then perhaps it's time to start taking some control back. Raise your standards about what's acceptable to you in terms of how you're treated, how you're willing to invest your precious time, and how you want your physical environment to be maintained. Communicate these standards to others, and if they don't cooperate, stop dealing with them.
Most stress comes from other people. Which people are you letting in? Raise your standards there, and it will make a huge difference in the level of stress you experience.
Of course this will create some consequences. You may need to switch jobs. You may shift some of your relationships around. That's the price to be paid for a mistake you made much earlier. At some point you gave your power away, which was a dumb thing to do. Continuing to give your power away is even dumber; reclaiming your power now is the smart move. People may not want to give it back to you, but you don't need their permission.
It will take time to go through this readjustment process, maybe months and possibly years. But in the end, you'll have your self-respect back, and you'll have the opportunity to form positive new relationships that aren't based on unfair power exchanges. You can have a boss and coworkers that respect you and treat you with kindness and understanding. You can have family members that respect your boundaries. And you can have friends that relate to you with maturity and mutual respect instead of treating you like a doormat. But if you continue to maintain doormat-level standards, others will continue to treat you like one.
If you do nothing, the stress and lack of control you experience now will probably just get worse, and your body is already paying the price. You can choose to exercise your independent will and change course, or you can continue to commit slow suicide.

Stop Making Stupid Trades

One reason that people lack the energy for their grand creative pursuits is that they don't wield enough control over their lives. This lack of control is stressful. In dealing with this stress, such people lose even more time and energy to distractions and escapism. Testing has shown they their memories worsen as well. They become scatter-brained. It's no wonder that many of them can't even summon enough energy to figure out what they want to create, let alone take steps to create it.
Tolerating a stressful lifestyle isn't a path to fulfillment. The path to fulfillment is to your energy straight into your creative desires. To do this you must stop making stupid trades with your time and energy. Trading your time for a stressful job and trading a peaceful home life for a stressful relationship are stupid decisions.
Initially it's more important to avoid stupid trades than it is to make smart ones. You probably won't have the capacity to know what a wise investment of time and energy looks like until you withdraw enough of your energy from those bad trades and regain some control. Ask yourself which situations you'd willingly enter again if you had to make the choice today. If there are some trades you wouldn't make today, then you now see them as mistakes, so stop doing them.

Take Control

Once you've withdrawn your time and energy from commitments that were mistakes in retrospect, you can use that energy to exert more control over your life.
Assert control over how you spend your time. Get up when you want. Go to bed when you want. Exercise when you want. Work when you want. Pursue hobbies when you want. You decide how to spend every minute of every day. If that sounds like a fantasy, then you've allowed your personal standards to fall so far that they're actually lower than those of a pigeon. If a pigeon gets to decide how to spend its time each day, why should you deserve any less? Surely you can exert more control over your life than a pigeon can. You are smarter than a pigeon, aren't you?
Take control of your living space. Decorate it however you like. Maintain the level of cleanliness that you desire. Get rid of whatever you no longer want. Create a living space that pleases you. Don't worry about what other people think of it. Make it fully your own, even if there's just one room you can control.
Take control of your relationships. Spend time with the people you want, when you want, and how you want. Reject invitations that don't inspire you. Issue invitations for the connections and experiences you'd like to have in your life. Let people know where your boundaries are, and if they cross those boundaries, drop them, relative or not.
Is this going to make you an anti-social ogre? Nope. All I'm suggesting is that you raise your standards back up to those of a pigeon. You can still meet your needs without becoming a stressed-out, dominated doormat. With higher standards you'll not only be less stressed, but you'll be a lot happier too. People will treat you with more kindness, respect, and fairness if you stop tolerating the opposite. Money also has a tendency to flow more abundantly through the lives of people who respect themselves; giving your power away repels financial abundance and attracts financial slavery.
Stop making excuses for why it's okay to keep giving your power away. Stop acting helpless, needy, and desperate. Your life depends on this.
Reclaim your power, raise your standards, take control, and save your own life.

Please follow me on Twitter and Google+ for inspirational messages and quick updates.

Steve Recommends

Site Build It! - Build an income-generating website.
Lefkoe Method - Permanently eliminate a limiting belief in about 20 minutes.
Paraliminals - Accelerate your personal growth.
The Journal - Keep a secure journal on your PC.
PhotoReading - Read books 3x faster.
Life on Purpose Video Coach - Discover your life purpose.
MySpeed - Watch online videos in half the time.

Steve Pavlina Newsletters - Issues 32 - 42

I cannot find a copy of issues 32 through 42, so if you know where to find them, please leave a comment and let me know!